An open letter to the coyotes in the woods behind my house

Every night. Yipping, howling and obnoxious sounds break the silence of the night. Every night, I wake up my owner to investigate. The result? Not enough sleep for Cinnamon. So here goes....

Dear Coyotes:

I'm tired of being awakened at 2 a.m., 3 a.m. and 4 a.m. Your hours are not compatible with my sleeping hours which are 7 p.m. to 9 a.m.  I just don't like you guys. You are noisy. You smell. And you are too close to my backyard fence. Too close!

I'm on to you. I know where you live. Today I went by the entrance to the woods. It has a chain across it but the "do not trespass" sign is on the ground. I CAN GET YOU! I know where your den is and I know you sleep during the day.

If you don't stop bothering me, I'm going to OUT YOU TO THE AUTHORITIES. I'll give you three days to get out of town.

I'm putting you on notice. WE DON'T LIKE YOUR KIND HERE!  Only civilized suburban dogs who sleep at night are welcome. GO AWAY! VAYA!

Signed, Cinnamon the sleepy coonhound